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(Proverbs 17:22a) Or,--------- Christian Humor is Good! Following is a collection of Christian Humor. This page will always be in the construction stage. If you would like to submit your favorite Christian joke or story of any kind, please just Email us and include your name and city if you would like to be recognized for your efforts. The Email button ("Submit Your Story") will appear periodically in the left column so that if you are reading and happen to remember another story you can immediately submit your story. God Bless and Have Fun!!! An Old Favorite: Sign
Outside a Church in Today's Sermon will Be: "What is Hell Really Like?" And then, in smaller type right below that the sign said, "Come and Hear our New Organist" (Must have been my old Church!) One from Dr. Roy Hicks: The pastor's wife wanted a new chandelier for the entryway of the church. The pastor brought it up at the next council meeting. After due deliberation, the church council made the following decision: "We can't have it for four reasons. First, we can't afford it. Second, nobody can spell it. Third, even if we did get it, nobody could play it, and fourth, what we really need is more light in the entryway!" One I thought was from Dr. Roy, but he says no so I don't know where I heard it: A young,
newly married couple was driving home from church one Sunday morning in rural
He searched in vain when suddenly his bride saw something back near the spare tire. "Why," he exclaimed, ”it's grandma's old bed pan and it must have been in here for years!" The farmer looked at it and said, "It'll do. And it will hold just about a gallon, but you will have to pour it into the car very carefully so as not to spill." The farmer filled the bed pan and announced that he had to return to the farmhouse for his lunch. The young man thanked him, took the bed pan full of gas and proceeded to the rear of the automobile to pour the gasoline into the tank. As he was pouring the gasoline into the stalled car, the local parish priest, Father Kelly, accompanied by the monsignor who had preached at his church that same morning happened along in the good Father's car. When the monsignor saw the young man up ahead he said to the priest, "Now that is what I was talking about this morning, Father Kelly. Faith, real Faith. And that boy has more faith than I have seen demonstrated in a long time!" Here's another from Dr Roy: There was a mountain climber who fell off the sheer wall of a cliff. As he fell, he managed to grasp a small tree growing from the side of the mountain and hung there precariously as he looked down several thousand feet to the canyon floor. He look up to the top of the mountain, still several hundred feet distant and called, "Help, is there anyone up there?" The answer came back "Yes." "Who is it?" asked the climber. "I am Jesus," said the voice. The climber asked, "Can you help me?" "Yes," came the answer, "but you will have to let go of the tree first." There was a moment of silence then, "Is there any one else up there?" Some
Bible Trivia: From Larrie Dee, We know from the Bible that the automobile has been around almost since the dawning of time. And, God must have been partial to Chrysler products because it clearly states in Genesis that "The Lord drove Adam from the garden in His Fury." The Apostle Paul, on the other hand, preferred the Japanese cars as he tells us more than once that he and the other apostles "were in one Accord." Another one from Larrie: Sometime
in the early 60's an American Catholic Bishop asked for and received an
audience with the Pope to discuss matters related to his diocese. The meeting
went quite well and after they were finished the Pope asked the Bishop if he
would like a personal tour of the The Bishop asked what was behind the door and the Pope answered that he would allow him to enter if he promised never to tell anyone. The Bishop agreed and they entered. The Bishop was treated to the most beautiful all white room with beautiful white carpet and one beautiful white table in the middle of the room. On the white table sat a beautiful white telephone. "This," said the Pope' "is a direct line to God and for only $5000 you can talk directly to Him." The Bishop was overwhelmed but gladly accepted the offer and gave the Pope the $5000. When he had finished his ten minutes he thanked the Pope so much for the opportunity and left the next day to continue his trip. As he
had always wanted to stop in the He immediately asked the Rabbi if they could enter and the Rabbi told him "most certainly!" Sure enough, there in the middle of this beautiful white room was an exquisite white telephone. The Rabbi asked, "Have you ever seen one of these before and do you know what it is?" The Bishop answered, "Yes, of course. I just wished I had another $5000 so I could again talk to God." The Rabbi immediately responded, "Oh, there is no charge, Bishop. You see, from here it is a local call." Another Gem from Dr. Roy Hicks: The story is told about a young minister who was sent to fill the pulpit of a vacationing pastor. As he drove up to the church, he noticed that one of the window panes had been broken and a piece of cardboard was placed there to keep out the weather. He said to himself, "I guess I am like that cardboard just placed here temporarily to keep out the weather." In the course of his message that morning, he referred to himself as that piece of cardboard. One of the parishioners, thinking to compliment the young man, remarked on the way out, "You are not like that piece of cardboard, you are a real pane." One
from my cousin in One
Saturday afternoon in At about this time, two elderly Irish spinsters, Maggie McGhee and her good friend Katie Flynn were entering the front door to the sanctuary so as to be among the first in line for confession that day. Maggie took one look inside and came back outside almost in shock screaming at her friend, "Good Lord Katie, I don't believe it." Katie who was very unsure as to what the problem could be asked, "What are you talkin' about, Maggie." "Well," Maggie replied, "Faith and begorrah, would you be lookin' at what the good Father is handing out for penance today, and me in me pink and orange polka dot bloomers!" Actual Typos taken from Church Bulletins "The alter flowers this morning are to commemorate the birth of Mark Allen Johnson, the 'sin' of Mr. and Mrs. Arnold K. Johnson." "There will be time for prayer and 'medication' near the close of the worship service." "A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow." "During the Pastor's vacation absence this summer, the deacons will attend to the Pastor's 'cuties.'" "The first Communion service of the New Year will be held next Sunday. Why not start the New Year 'tight?'" "Remember, this Thursday is Ash Wednesday." "The ushers will 'eat' all latecomers during the second hymn." This one came from my old boss Cap'n Don Hook in Pomona, CA A
burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking
for valuables, and when he picked up a CD When he
heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot sitting on his perch. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses"
the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would "Probably
the same kind of people that would name that rotweiller
right behind you Jesus," the bird answered. A mother was watching her four year old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes. Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail. "Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother. "Because my Sunday School teacher said Jesus walked on the water, but this water won't work," he replied. My
old pal Marty Sussman from A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are involved in a serious car accident. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither cleric was hurt. Once they crawled out from the wreckage, the Rabbi said, "So, such an accident! We are both very lucky to be alive. But, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them. Fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and rejoice together in peace for the rest of our days." The Priest, after surveying the damaged cars agreed and said, "Oh yes, I concur with you completely! This must be a sign from God!" The Rabbi continued, "And look at this, Father. Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." The Rabbi then hands the bottle to the Priest who is so shaken up he drinks half the bottle before giving it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and gives it back to the Priest. The Priest asks, "Rabbi. aren't you having any wine?" The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." From
Darryl Crainmeyer of A very
young minister told his wife that he wanted to preach on faith the following
Sunday and was using the text in Daniel "I just can't remember their names properly," he said to his wife. She thought for a moment and said to her husband, "why don't you write down their names on a small card and I will pin the card to the right inside pocket of your suit coat? Then, if you do forget their names, all you have to do is open your coat slightly and glance down at the pocket and you can read the names aloud and no one in the congregation will be the wiser." "That is a Great idea!" he replied. And so, on that following Sunday morning prior to the service, that is exactly what they did. The young preacher was sailing through his sermon with more confidence than he had ever exhibited to his congregation on any previous occasion. He was "just a-preachin' away and the 'Amens' were a-flyin' when he came to the story of the three young Jewish boys who just would not bow down to King Nebu-chad-nezzar. As he first began to stumble over their names, he suddenly remembered what his wife had done for him earlier that morning. Imagine the surprised congregation however, when as he spoke their names, instead of looking at the right inside coat pocket, he looked at the left pocket and blurted out "The faith of those three young Jewish boys, Hart, Schaftner, and Marx!" This was sent to compliment my "frogies" Two young girls were strolling through the woods adjacent to the king's castle when a frog jumped onto a stump next to their path and called out to them. "Help me! I'm a prince! An evil witch cast a spell on me! One kiss from you will free me!" One of the girls bent down and picked up the frog, placing him in her dress pocket. The other girl looked on curiously. "Aren't you going to kiss him?" she asked. "No way, she replied, princes are a dime a dozen, but a talking frog's gotta be worth a million dollars!" These
two are from Gary Rydeen of After
Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Just
then, a man with no arms approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell again, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . . The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the arm less campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition. But, as the arm- less man's brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I
don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...... "He's
a dead ringer for his brother!" (Oh, Here are two from Gloria Conn (A link to her site is on my links page. I heartily suggest a visit to this beautiful web site.) A minister shook up the congregation one Sunday morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark." On the
following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all
of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark,
please raise your Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then
said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no
seventeenth chapter of Mark." One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat
stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I
could have ever imagined. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending
around are just fantastic!" A fellow
had just taken delivery of his new BMW and on the way home decided to take a
little detour on a lonely rural He was going about 75 mph when he noticed the red lights flashing in his rear view mirror. He said to himself, "let's just see what this baby's got" and started to accelerate even faster. 80, 90 and then as he approached 95 he said, "this is stupid, I'll probably go to jail for life", and pulled the car over to the side of the road. Sitting behind the wheel with a contrite expression on his face he awaited the officer's admonition. "Well sir," began the officer, "that was most likely one of the dumbest stunts I have ever seen! I have already had a very bad day. I chased and arrested three bank robbers, worked two accidents on the interstate, had a young baby throw up on my uniform, chased a car across a farmer's field, and now this! " "It is late Friday night and the last thing I need is more paperwork so I'll tell you what I am going to do. If you can come up with even a somewhat reasonable excuse to let you go, I'll consider it. OK?" The driver sat sullen for just a minute or two and then said, "Well you see, about a month ago my wife ran off with a police officer, and I thought it might have been him trying to return her!" With a wry smile, the officer handed back the drivers license, tipped his cap and said, "you have a nice weekend, Sir." This one is a real "crack-up" (pardon the expression!) Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible to court. In the court room, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. "Isn't that a direct quote?" Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that this man told the Highway Patrolman at the scene of the accident that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is claiming he was injured and is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her, took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then,
the Patrolman came across the road with his gun still in his hand and looked
at me and said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?" Here is Another one From Gary Rydeen of Forest Lake, Minnesota At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny (it's always "little Johnny," isn't it?) seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill. "Johnny, what's wrong?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side -- I think I'm going to have a wife." The
following is an example of being careful what you ask of God. Submitted by
Terrance Daily of An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was gaining on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. But, when he looked again the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding as he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, " You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well" said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. ...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful!" This
came in from Dewey Hodgkinson of An
elderly woman had just returned to her home from an The
burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman As
the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked "Scripture?"
replied the burglar, "I thought she said Here is another good Irish Priest joke from Dewey Hodgkinson An
Irish priest from The Trooper asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "T'was only water," says the priest. The trooper says, "If that is true, Father, then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks down at the bottle and says, "Faith and begorra, He's done it again!" This
is from Tracy Rusinyak of Signs on Church Marquees 1. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1" 2. "Under same management for over 2000 years" 3. "Soul food served here" 4. "Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!" 5. "You can give
without loving but you cannot love 6. "Beat the
Christmas rush, come to church this 7. "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church" 8. "We should be
more concerned with the Rock Of 8. "Reputation is
what people think about you. 9. "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!" 10. "Come early for a good Back-seat" 11. "Life has
many choices, Eternity has two. What's 12. "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due!" 13. "A man's
character is like a fence. It cannot be 14. "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!" 15. "Preach the gospel at all times.. Use words if necessary" 16. "Delay is preferable to error" 17. "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees" 18. "What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?" 19. "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow" 20. "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday" 21. "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive" 22. "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings" 23. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams" 24. May is God's apology for February" 25. "To belittle is to be little" 26. "Don't let
the littleness in others bring out the 27. "God answers knee mail" 28. "Try Jesus.
If you don't like Him, the devil will (I told you it was good!) Here
is another one from Sometimes the best thing to do (in fact, the only thing to do) is just sit down and laugh! Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
Please select one of the following options: I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to: If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4. To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's
Our computers show that you have already prayed today.
Please pray again on Monday after If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you, and have a heavenly day. (Not too bad! Thanks, Sis.) This one is from Scott Dunkirk of Cedar Rapids, Iowa A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With
great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." Then
finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the The song
leader then stood very cautiously with a sheepish look on his face and
announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
Here is one almost as old as I am! The day
finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly
Gates, and is met by St. Peter himself. 1) What
days of the week begin with the letter T? Forrest
says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the
letter "T"? That one's easy. That'd be Today and The good Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ..... I'll give you credit for that answer. "How about the second one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can only be twelve." Astounded,
St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you
come up with twelve seconds in a "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd----" "Hold
it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and
I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with "Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." "Andy?!"
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand
how you came up with your answers to my first "That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run." (I love it !) This one comes from Paula V. Kazarosian. We thank you. A young monk was
being shown his duties in the old monastery one day and as the older monk
explained to him what it was he had to do the young monk couldn't help but
ask a question that bothered him. (Use your Browser's back button or press the "Home" button to return) |
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